A provocative and moving story of a family disintegrating around a fearful obsession
This is a fascinating and heartbreaking story – I wish I had time to think and write more about it, as it brought up a lot for me. If you’ve ever witnessed yourself or another parent obsessing about what could possibly be wrong with your child (and haven’t we all had those moments?), this is a story about what happens when those flashes of insecurity and fear and even paranoia are carried to the extreme, and when the person with the fear becomes so identified with that obsession that her sense of integrity and worth as a human being is somehow ravelled up with proving she’s right—at enormous cost to her children and her marriage.
And it’s also the story of the parent who witnessed this happening, who never believed his wife’s fears about what had happened to their daughter, and yet who felt either unable to intervene and protect his children or ineffective when he did attempt to do so. At the end of this story, I had the sense that everyone in it was doing their best to navigate a complex and challenging set of circumstances and of psychological tendencies, including the mother’s obsession, the father’s passivity/fear and the confused child (and her sister) at the centre of the drama.
I haven’t given this book five stars, because I feel the story is a little weighed down by self-blame as well as blame of others, and that there’s a bigger picture here in which the innocence of each player can be seen and forgiven. I suspect that hearing the mother’s point of view about what unfolded might reveal missing elements to this story. And I could relate to her frustration with a husband who was so married to his rational, scientific, fact-finding worldview that he somehow couldn’t hear and/or respond adequately to the deeper emotional needs that were communicating themselves underneath and through the drama.
This is not said to judge the father (who is the author), but only to point towards the truth that in families there are always multiple players and each one contributes in equal part to the resultant dynamic—though the adults carry much greater responsibility. I have enormous admiration and respect for the author of this book who is both fearless and humble in sharing his own perceived failings as a parent. The book is also very well written and edited and bears the hallmark of authenticity in being based on detailed diaries, notes, audio recordings and professional assessments that were kept over the years.
I hope and pray this family ultimately finds healing, resolution and forgiveness. And I do wonder if the publication of this book will help or hinder that process. But for the public, it’s a valuable contribution to deepening our understanding of and compassion for those caught in similar dynamics or dilemmas.
